I’m a techie. I like talking to computers more than people. I’m also a strong introvert and spent a good portion of my childhood fighting social anxiety. Fortunately, through a lot of focus and practice, I can perform well in social situations, although it still exhausts me.

I know I’m not alone. Enterprise technology is filled with people just like me. We are intelligent but have a hard time communicating our ideas with others, and that makes us frustrated. Being the analytical people we are, we focus on making our message more clear and convincing, but there might be something much bigger going on that is completely derailing us: self-awareness.

The mirror

It didn’t feel like a blessing at the time, but I had the pleasure of working alongside someone for many years that would call me on the carpet constantly. His confrontational style was 180-degree opposite of Minnesota nice passive-aggressive. I lacked self-awareness and he’d call me out, “Zach, why are you being defensive?” My response: “I’m not. Leave me alone.”

Most of us don’t like to confront, and all of us don’t like to be confronted, so this was a challenge to handle gracefully. He told me many insightful things over the years, such as, “Zach, did you know you had a scowl on your face during that whole meeting?” and, “Zach, you don’t like so-and-so, and it shows.” Self-awareness is the first step. Simply being self-aware was an incredible gift, but then I had to do something about it. Over the years, I’ve picked up a few tips and tricks.

Emotional Intelligence

Emotional Intelligence is a lot of things, and I cannot fully unpack the concept here, but there is an aspect of Emotional Intelligence that is the skill to manipulate your own emotions. As an influential leader, this is very important. Your mood affects your whole team. If you are mad about a conversation you had with your spouse, then walk into a team meeting without adjusting, your team will automatically assume you are mad at them. I’ve had it happen, and it’s embarrassing.

To compensate, I’ve learned to “put on a happy face” rather than wear my heart on my sleeve. Leadership requires optimism. Simply looking pessimistic can have a negative impact on your team, and you can’t afford that.

The art of attending a meeting

When I’m listening and learning in a meeting, I turn on the thinking part of my brain and sometimes turn off the social section. That leaves me looking disengaged, uninterested, angry, or any number of other negative perceptions. It takes effort to keep both the thinking side of my brain and the socially intelligent side of my brain on at the same time. With practice and self-awareness, you can make a huge difference in your overall effectiveness.

Body language is important. Arms open are better than arms crossed. Eye contact is huge. I struggle with maintaining eye contact. I have to remind myself all the time: Stop staring at your laptop. Close the lid. Keep your phone in your pocket. Smile.

When in a discussion, ask questions. Think about possibilities. Don’t fixate on one way to do things, but be open-minded. When something sounds stupid to you, don’t come right out and disagree, giving your own point of view, but ask more questions. This chunk of advice, if followed, can eliminate an unbelievable amount of unhelpful conflict. When you are ready to state your opinion, phrase it in a non-threatening, inquisitive way, such as “have you considered this approach?”

Learn to read a room. See where things are going, then adjust. Don’t ride the train off the tracks. If you see things derailing, be the person to reel it back in, even if you don’t think you are the cause.

People aren’t out to get you

Practice developing a heart of gratitude. Technical professionals are often very critical. We are critical of ourselves, critical of each other, and critical of management. This is another Emotional Intelligence thing. If you can change your own attitude toward gratitude it can go a long way.

Give people the benefit of the doubt. People aren’t out to get you. You just think they are. Calm down, forget what you’ve heard about someone, and form your own opinions. Giving others an assumption of positive intention sets the stage for more productive meetings and less negative conflict.

Practice servant leadership

If you have authority, don’t use it to manipulate people. Don’t play the seniority card. Don’t play the manager card. Don’t play the enterprise architect card. If you are losing, it’s tempting to use positional power to bring things back into favor for you. You might win the battle but you’ll lose the war.

I hope these tips have been helpful. I can honestly say that the combination of all of these small things have aggregately contributed significantly to my success as a technology leader. So the next time you find yourself gridlocked in a frustrating situation, take a strong look in the mirror and reflect on these subtleties of self-awareness.