It’s been over four years since I got my first private office. Prior to getting it, I often thought about the perks of having an office. The prestige of it didn’t really motivate me, but more the convenience. I found myself needing to have private conversations all the time and struggled to find open conference rooms when I needed them. I’d often go outside if the weather was decent. If not, I’d go in my car. Sometimes I resorted to a comm closet or data center. Having the ability to close the door when I needed to was going to be great.

Something unexpected happened when I got an office. I’d, of course, leave the door open when I didn’t need it closed. Every so often, someone would come into my office unscheduled, close the door, sit down, and start crying. This never happened when I had a cubical.

The first couple of times, I thought it was odd, but then it became a pattern. My response was pretty much the same each time. Whatever I was working on at the moment no longer mattered. Whatever meeting I was probably going to be late to, also no longer mattered. I had a coworker under an intense amount of stress that I need to be fully present for.

Tears at work

It’s possible that you may be reading this article feeling mortified because you think I am writing about you. Let me tell you right now, that it’s not just you. There have been many, and there will be many more. There have been coworkers from my team and coworkers that I barely know from other parts of the company. There have been both men and women coworkers, in case you are under some false impression that men don’t cry at work. They do.

There is an interesting article on the gender issues surrounding this subject on The Atlantic: Is it Okay to Cry at Work? It also describes some of the pitfalls associated with crying publicly at work. For the purposes of this discussion, I’m writing exclusively about crying privately in confidential environment.

I assign no stigma to people that have used me as an outlet for stress in this way. In fact, I’m honored. This takes a level of vulnerability and trust that I deeply respect. The source of the stress ranges from purely work-related struggles to completely personal struggles, and sometimes a culmination of both. Work is crazy-intense, and life is always full of challenges. Coming into my office to cry and talk about it is probably one of the most-healthy ways to deal with it. I’ve certainly witnessed a number of less-ideal ways to blow-off steam at work.

An open door

I sometimes wonder if there is something about the way I conduct myself as a leader that makes this possible. I haven’t surveyed other technology leaders with offices, but I’d have to imagine that some experience this more than others.

Nowadays, it’s pretty typical for leaders to have an Open Door Policy. Some may even go out of their way to announce to their team that they can come in any time the door is open. But what if no one takes you up on it? Are there leadership behaviors that speak louder than an Open Door Policy? How can you tell if your Open Door Policy is working?

It’s all about approachability. By default, leaders are unapproachable. Leaders are on another plane of existence and that breeds intimidation and isolation. Doing nothing intentional lands you in that default state. You need to go out of your way to make yourself approachable. Most people will assume you are not approachable until you prove that you are.

If you say that you are open to feedback, get some, and then don’t change, you just sent a message that you aren’t open to feedback. When leaders take the stage, they are expected to exude confidence, vision, and certainty. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s also important to mix-in uncertainty, vulnerability, mistakes, and other evidence that you are in-fact, actually human.

I discuss this topic in my article, Lead Like a Geek, on how to make an authentic connection with your technical teams. I explore in-depth what it takes to be a vulnerable leader in my article, Leadership Lessons from Jerry Maguire.

Working with humans

Let’s face it. At times, work and life can be completely overwhelming. Corporations can be cold and calculated. Our drive for task accomplishment can run over people in the process. As I discussed last week, the ends never justify the means. In our drive to achieve, we must take care of people along the way. If we don’t, then success is empty and temporary.

Organizational health is the only way to achieve real sustained success. A healthy organization means there is a safe place to talk and cry if necessary. Be the leader that cares, pauses, waits, and stays in the moment. Crying at work isn’t a weakness. Emotion isn’t a flaw. Sure, it’s uncomfortable, but that’s okay. Leadership is all about doing what is uncomfortable. It takes courage, vulnerability, and strength to be authentic. It takes intentionality for a leader to sow seeds of approachability before it’s needed.

So there you have it. Perhaps you didn’t see this coming, but here you have a technology geek that likes ones and zeros, writing about a heart and soul topic like crying at work. That’s what this blog is all about. I hope you enjoy it. Please comment below and share it with your colleagues.