It’s been more than a decade since I’ve been an engineer, but I remember being frustrated that I could never get the attention of technology vendors. They always wanted to talk to “the decision maker.” I thought to myself, when I become a leader, it will be great because then I will get their attention. I, of course, had no clue what on earth I was asking for.

I’m the decision maker. I’m the person with the budget. I buy technology for the company. What that gets me is an absolute tsunami of sales calls. Every day is a complete deluge. The purpose of this article is threefold: Salespeople, take heed. Technology buyers, commiserate. In the end, let’s find a better way to work together.

I’m going to start off this article by describing the various sales tactics used on me on a regular basis:

The Cold Call. This is the classic old-school means of generating sales. My phone rings all day long and I don’t pick up unless I recognize the number. About 1-in-3 leave a voicemail. Almost all of those voicemails are pretty scripted. This makes me want to completely ditch my office phone altogether.

The Spam King. I am a consistent unsubscriber. I don’t like being on mailing lists. I don’t like clutter in my inbox. Simply participating in the technology industry gets me on a plethora of mailing lists. I don’t find value in “newsletters,” “industry news,” or anything else that is really just a sales mechanism.

The Event Invitation. I get invited to countless networking events, charity events, sporting events, happy hours, executive briefings, and the like. I receive enough invitations that I could easily do something every day of the week if I wanted to. Here’s the thing: I’m not that social. These events actually stress me out a bit. I also have a young family that I need to get home to. I only make time for a few of these per year.

The Hard Sell. If I sound defensive, you are being too aggressive. Dial it back. Please listen for the cue. That’s not a signal that you need to sell harder. There should be nothing about our interactions that in any way resembles a used car lot or a timeshare presentation.

The Gimmick. I had a salesperson mail me a pair of socks. Do you know why? Because his technology product was going to knock my socks off and he figured I could use an extra pair. It’s funny. I’ll give you that. But gimmicks make me groan more than they make me want to buy.

The Super Fan. Since I’ve started blogging and speaking in public, occasionally I attract a fan with an ulterior motive. They think, “If I butter him up, he might buy from me.” While the flattery feeds my ego, I can see through it. By the way, this isn’t everyone. I have plenty of legitimate fans that happen to be salespeople, and I appreciate every one of you.

The Desperate Groveler. This one is my new favorite. I understand that sales is a tough gig. You need to sell to eat. But seriously, have some self-respect! I’ve gotten emails like “I get it. You don’t want to talk to me. I’ll stop annoying you now, but <insert one last sales pitch>.” I’ve talked with others and have been pretty clear there is no opportunity, but they pull out the ol’ Dumb and Dumber move, “So you’re telling me there’s a chance.” When I say no again, they say “What about all that one-in-a-million talk?” I feel bad for you, but please stop. You are embarrassing yourself and your company.

The Hero. Sometimes companies like to position themselves as the hero coming in to save us. They tell me about all of their wild successes, their super-cool founders, and stories of how they were the heroes for other customers in different contexts, that have absolutely nothing to do with me or my company.

I really don’t have any interest in doing business with a hero. Here’s a valuable tip: My company is the hero and you are the guide. Be Yoda, not Luke Skywalker. Lead with your expertise on how you can help my company win. This is very important. By the way, I didn’t come up with any of this. This concept comes from Donald Miller’s StoryBrand. Check it out.

The Press Release Reader. This pitch goes like this: “I see that your company is currently doing x, y, and z. That must be tough. We make technology products that can help you do x, y, and z.” I appreciate that this individual bothered to do a little research and thinking. This is much better than the cold caller or the spammer. However, this rarely hits the mark. It’s just plain difficult to tell what I’m actually working on from reading our press releases.

The Everything Company. “So, what is it that you do?” “Everything.” Consulting companies, staffing companies, value-added resellers, and large tech conglomerates are all guilty of this. They look at whatever is trending and they say they do it all. Analytics, IoT, Cloud, Mobile, Machine Learning, Security, Data Center, Managed Services, etc.

There is nothing more confusing and mind-numbing than hearing from everybody that does everything. Be clear, be precise. Tell me what you are the best in the market at. That’s all I want to hear. I know you are incented to push the high-margin stuff in the emerging markets, but I don’t want to hear about it if it is outside of your core competency.

So those are the problems. What is the solution?

Salespeople need to sell to eat. I need to buy technology. I also need to protect my time. Here are a few traits of some of my best working relationships with salespeople:

1. Lead with real value. Not a gimmick or a means to an end, but something that demonstrates your expertise to solve actual problems I’m actively working on.
2. Help me squeeze additional value out of stuff I already own.
3. Work on my timetable, not your quarter-end.
4. Be really smart, and understand your products very well. If you aren’t the smart one, bring the smart one with you wherever you go.
5. I know this is hard, but try not to sound so salesy. One of my best sales relationships was with someone who tragically passed away a few years ago. He always focused on and fought for what I needed to be successful. Every once in a while he would say something salesy, but he’d warn me first. “Zach, I’m going to say something salesy now… Just so you know, product X is heavily discounted for quarter-end. Ok, I’m done.”
6. The best salespeople feel more like colleagues. We can talk about industry trends in neutral, open terms, not necessarily in the context of your product positioning. I like talking with people who have real industry insight.

This article was in-part to poke fun at salespeople. I’m sure you all can take a joke. My other intention is to somehow find a way to raise up the buy-sell experience in enterprise technology. It’s not always pleasant, and it’s often unproductive. I think it can be a whole lot better. Let’s work together on that goal.

I’ve never sold anything professionally a day in my life. So, you really can’t take my advice as an expert perspective that will help you be a better salesperson. I think that salespeople probably get advice and training from other, more successful, salespeople. This is a customer’s perspective. I’m not sure if it is helpful or not, but I thought I’d put it out there.

Thoughts and opinions from salespeople or technology buyers? Let me know what I got right and what I may be missing.

Ready for more? Continue to Part 2 here: “So You’re Telling Me There’s a Chance, Part 2: Selling Technology in the New IT Hierarchy.”